I mentioned in the last part how there was only one person who ever got past my fear of being touched. That person would be Ashley.

Starting sophomore year, Ashley began trying to tear at that safety field of mine. She would learn on me, or lay onto my chest, or any number of things in the open lunch room or wherever we may be. After a few weeks, I became comfortable with this and just let it happen. Some how, some way, she got through to me.

I was naive, though. It finally took Vicky to hit me and yell at me for me to realize that Ashley loved me beyond that of a friend. This, at first, scared me. I have always been a great friend but, at the same time, cold to love. It was at this time that she started sticking close to me and breaking through that shell of mine.

For me, this was something that I was not new to but instead very much against. I had decided years prior that I wasn't going to date my friends, and I had always stuck to it. But here it was, the most important person to me wanted to move on to a higher relationship. I was not ready for this, and that would begin to show over the coming years.

During the middle of our junior year, Vicky, JoAnna, Kim, and Greg (not Stedman) conspired to get me to start dating Ashley, and they got their way. We would go out for dates, go to dances, and just hang out with each other and the rest of the group. But I wasn't truly ready to show affection for her or anyone else, really. Holding hands in public, I was deathly afraid of ... but I got over that and I did it. Kissing, it just never happened. Feeling love ... it just wasn't there.

As dearly and deeply as I loved Ashley then and forever will love her, I was not in love with her. But Ashley, however, was in love with me, and she so deeply wanted me to give her my love and myself. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it, and I hurt her because of it.

The day of Junior Prom, Vicky and Greg, Ashley and I, and JoAnna went out for pictures, dinner, and eventually to the actual prom itself. During dinner, it came up about how I was so separated from Ashley and everyone else about dating her. So I pulled Ashley off to the side, and I explained myself to her.

I was scared. I was self-conscious. It all stemmed back to the issues with school and Dean. Because of it, I was too scared to show my feelings in fear of how I would be treated because of them. Sadly, this would be the cause of our break-up just a few months later.

Ashley and I broke up in August of 2004 after being together for 7 months.

One day, Vicky came to be outside of school and said to me, "Either shape up or you are going to lose her love." I replied to her, "But we aren't dating." Vicky replied, "You don't get it, do you? You are the most important in the world to her, and she is slowly losing that feeling for you." I replied, "Maybe that is for the best."

Whenever I look back to that whole ordeal, I realize how much I hurt Ashley because of it. We are still good friends, but sometimes I hear a hint of that pain ring through when we're speaking. I do feel guilty for what i did, and at times I still get upset by it. I had a person who loved me for everything that I am. A person who loved every single thing and problem about me. A person who despite what everyone else said and did to me, loved me unconditionally. And I ignored it.

I'm sorry, Ashley. If only I weren't such a dumbass.

I will always love you for what you did for me, Ashley.

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