In the last part, I spoke about the ever degrading status of the relationship with my mother. After the events from this morning, I feel as if I didn't say everything I wanted to say.

How I wish I just ignored my phone this morning ...

My mother called me at about 5:35AM, I had forgotten to take the trash out the night before. I was downstairs within five minutes. I guess at some point one of us said something that sparked another one of our glorious arguments ... but this just felt so much different. Today something was different. I suppose I could say I sensed hatred in her voice.

A couple of weeks ago she gave me $1,660.00 to go towards a new computer workstation. It was a great and unexpected gift that I wasn't about to say no to. A day or so later we had another one of the usual arguments, but she decided to use this gift as leverage against me. Since then, she has used it against me numerous times, and I hadn't even cashed the checks until two days ago. She would say things like, "So after giving you all of that money, this is the thanks I get?" It got to the point where I demanded she take the money back because I didn't want to have to deal with the weight of those accusations, but she then convinced me to keep it.

This morning she brought it back up again. Said that all I do is use her computer and get free rent. That I'm disrespectful and uncaring. That I do everything to cause the strain on our relationship. Furthermore, how could her son be so cruel as to do something against her wishes when she gave up part of her "small" retirement fund to do it.

What the fuck? Now she has gone from just being angry to making very bad remarks about me. Second of all, since when did this money come from her retirement fund? She told me, and I quote, "It was $800.00 in a fund not attached to any of my IRA's." Okay, let's break that down and compare it to what she just said: In a fund not attached to any of my IRA's. "Any" would mean that she has more than one IRA. Yet her retirement funds are small? But that's beside the point. The point is that now she's playing me off as the bad person here!

I then had to bring up everything I do for her, and I focused on relating to her damn computer. I pointed out the countless hours I have spent showing her how to do things, how to use the Internet, fixing her computer, and more. But have I ever used it against her? No. Have I ever used that as leverage of any kind to get a result from her? NO. Yet she does this for me and uses it as if it were perfectly acceptable. Apparently that is something parents can do, and I am ungreatful for thinking otherwise. She says that her doublestandards are perfectly acceptable and I should just stop whining.

Every day I see a deepening blackness shadowing this house that is supposed to be my home, and every day I feel less and less welcome here. That ... I don't know .... but that is just ... it is just absolutely impossible for me to comprehend. As I type this I try to maintain my composure. I am short of breath, and my eyes are closed. I can't begin to imagine what would happen if this never ended.

My mother has found ways to scare me with her words in the recent past, but I don't know how to handle them. She says to me that she should just kill herself to put a stop to this madness. She says it was a mistake for her to ever have a child. She says those things often these days ... she didn't before. I don't know anymore whether or not she just says that in the heat of the moment or if she really means it. Worst of all ... there have been times when in my mind for a split-second moment I want it to all end so badly that I think, "Do it." I ... it would crush me. You could strip me of D, K, Ashley, and everyone else of value to me and not completely destroy me, but if I were to be stolen of my mother ... I just don't know ...

So it scares me when she says that.

I am slowly being eaten through by this. My mind has wandered into territory that scares me of late because of the situation. I keep finding myself find the dark place I long since said goodbye to. But I can't seem to avoid it.

Why is this happening? Why is there no seeable solution to this whole mess? I just wish I could find those answers, but I have a hard time even discussing it with myself let alone my friends. Why should I burden my friends with these issues? But if I don't find those answers, and I'm going to continue falling through this never-ending abyss. I need so much right now ...

Someone save me. Please.

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Comment by Lysander Cyric Korvein on 07.17.2007 at 11:54:41 PM CST

All right, I may have the solution, if you haven't already found one. Come up to York, Pa and stay around my area for a while. I'll look for some low-priced apartments, maybe even a HUD house for you. HUD Houses run at least $300 minimum/per month, which has water, electric, gas and heat included. If you've found your own way and are happy, then God has blessed you.